Our Attachment Plan - Part Two

Wow -- it is quite amazing to look back and reflect on the many adoption milestones passed in the last year and three months time -- only by God's grace. But despite all of the to-do's that were checked off, we know the real adventure is just beginning. We are Lillian's appointed Daddy and Mommy, and we are so thankful to the Lord for entrusting her to our care and look forward to the many years ahead that we will have together as a family. To get us started in the right direction and because of reasons mentioned in our last post we will be doing an intensive attachment plan for the critical first six weeks (known in the adoption world as "cocooning.")

"By cocooning your family, you will also be minimizing your own stress (by not spending time running around), you will be able to focus more attention on your family, you will be familiarizing your child with his new home and life and getting him into a schedule, and you will be promoting attachment and bonding." 

(Source found here)

Without further ado, here is our attachment plan:

• In order for Lillian to clearly recognize our family unit, we will not be welcoming visitors at first. We want to limit her need for taking in new faces on a regular basis, which would be overwhelming and distracting. (We aren't sure how long this phase will last, but we'll just evaluate things as we go.)
• Josh and I will be the only people to hold Lillian for the first six weeks.
• Lillian will be held in our Ergo carrier or sling as much as possible, and preferably by holding her facing in. Our goal is for her to be in our arms for six hours a day or more.
• We are trying to establish ourselves as her primary caretakers, so Josh and I will be the only ones to provide for the four most basic care-taking functions: feeding, changing, bathing and putting to sleep.
• Josh is blessed with an awesome employer and will be taking off a couple of weeks for adoption leave in the beginning, and will also get another couple of weeks off a month or so later.
• We will try to keep our family of four together as much as possible during this time. Depending on Cole's needs we may let him spend time at a friend's house and have special Daddy or Mommy time (we know this is going to be a huge transition for him too!), but for the most part we want to stay together and focus on doing things as a unit like reading books, taking walks and interactive type of play.
• Lillian will sleep in our room, and depending on her needs it may be in a pack 'n play next to our bed or co-sleeping in our bed.
• We realize that every cry signals a need. We will respond to all of her cries and will not let her "cry it out" in order for her to learn that she can trust us to meet her needs.
• We will keep her environment calm and simple as possible. We do not want to overwhelm her with lots of new toys or distractions, instead we will focus on bonding activities such as eye contact, massaging her with lotion and interactive play (peekaboo, finger plays, etc).
• We will greatly limit our time online and on the phone, especially during her wake-time hours.
• Our lives will slow down as much as possible so we can give Lillian a very dependable routine.
• We will establish a daily routine that Lillian (and Cole) will feel secure in. Having a predictable daily routine for your child will help them feel settled and “at home” more quickly.
• We will keep Lillian at home for the first six weeks, with the exception of doctors visits and any other critical appointments. "Newly adopted children also get overwhelmed easily. Running errands that are 'no big deal' for us, such as a quick trip to the grocery store, can be hugely overstimulating and overwhelming to a child." (Source found here)
• We do not plan to put Lillian in the church nursery because of the similarity between that and the institutional environment she has lived in until now. She may end up staying with us in the church service until she's two years old and ready for children's church. We will evaluate her needs as we go.
• We do plan on inviting family and friends to the airport when we return from Ethiopia to welcome Lillian home before we head into our six week "cocoon." (We know it will probably be overwhelming for her, so we will keep Lillian in the Ergo carrier with me the whole time.) Soooo excited to celebrate her homecoming with everyone!

(For those of you who are researching attachment and bonding issues, we will include a list of our favorite resources and links at the bottom of this post.)

We have made the decision for me to return to Ethiopia to bring Lillian home with my mom instead of with Josh. We chose this option for a number of reasons, but mainly because we prefer that we both don't leave Cole two times in a row and also to save financially. We are excited about the added benefit of having my mom get the opportunity to experience her new granddaughter's birth country and culture! Some may wonder how this trip will work in with our attachment plan, and the basic truth is that my mom is 100% in support of our attachment plan and will be there to help me as I take care of Lillian. I will be the primary caretaker for Lillian and will try to follow our plan as best as possible. But we also know that we will be in survival mode until we're actually home, so if I need to bend things I will absolutely do just that. :) Our adoption doctor, who is obviously not in favor of any babies watching TV, even recommended bringing some kids dvd's for the plane ride just to get by (Baby Einsteins are already packed...as is the liquid Benadryl :).)

So that is our plan. We will be focusing on redeeming the time with our daughter, on healing her heart and knitting all of our hearts together as a family. Like we mentioned previously, it is our plan for now -- if we get her home and in a couple weeks we realize we need to tweak something (in either direction) we will do so. Some may think our cocooning phase sounds excessive (which I'm sure will exhaust us at times, and we are trusting in the Lord for His strength and hoping to have your prayers and support along the way!), but we have never ever heard of a family who has done this and regretted it.

To all of our wonderful family and friends who have supported us on this entire journey, we thank you. Thank you for being excited for us in January 2010 when we were accepted into our agency's program and began the journey to our daughter. Thank you for praying for us and for blessing us financially to help bring her home. Thank you for sharing in our anxiousness as we waited month after month for our referral. And thank you for screaming with us in excitement on December 16, 2010 when we saw Lillian Yado's face for the first time and again on the day we passed court and she officially became a Jones. This whole journey would not have been the same without your love and support.

~

Recommended Resources on Attachment in Adoption

Books:

• The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis
• Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen

Other resources:

• Empowered to Connect with Karyn Purvis 
• Created to Connect: A Christian's Guide to the Connected Child with Karyn Purvis 
• Families by Design - Nancy Thomas Parenting
• Free post-adoption phone line for adoptive families provided by Focus on the Family with counselors who have been trained by Karyn Purvis: 800-A-FAMILY

Blog Posts: 

• A very honest post about attachment difficulties with her internationally adopted daughter at Talk is Sheep
• "Contemplating the Difference 6 Months Makes" from Something Clever
• Planning for Attachment & Bonding Part 1 and Part 2 from A Moment Cherished